


monster

by would_you_like_some_angst_with_that



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-07
Updated: 2015-11-07
Packaged: 2018-04-30 10:23:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5160266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/would_you_like_some_angst_with_that/pseuds/would_you_like_some_angst_with_that
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This happens in between 'After Life' and 'Once More With Feeling' in Season 6. So not very happy Spuffy. A bit of violence. A lot of self-loathing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	monster

**Author's Note:**

> Line that is not mine, that's the writers': 'I'm a monster, but you treat me like a man'

and she is good she is Good  
she is pure and she is kind  
selfless and righteous  
and they treat her like holy  
they treat her like goddess  
and that is what they like about her  
she remembers when Angel used to say  
you are the best part of me  
she can hear Spike’s words  
I know I’m a monster  
but you treat me like a man

and she wants to scream  
she wants to scream  
she wants to tear at him  
she wants to tear him a p a r t  
she wants to fucking kill him  
but she doesn’t  
she doesn’t

sometimes when he’s asleep  
she takes out her stake  
she puts it to his chest  
but just barely  
just barely  
she doesn’t touch him  
she never touches him  
no no  
she hits him  
she scratches him  
she pummels his face  
so hard that his eyes  
are black  
and purple  
and golden  
and green  
fuck, he’s a rainbow

 

but she doesn’t touch him no  
she’ll look at him and see gashes  
in the shape of her nails  
in the shape of her

and he takes it  
he takes it  
and maybe that’s the worst part  
that he doesn’t complain  
okay, yeah sure sometimes he gets irritated  
and he’ll slam her against the wall  
and trade blood for bruises  
and nails for teeth  
but he doesn’t complain  
he doesn’t say no  
he doesn’t say stop  
he doesn’t say don’t do this  
it hurts  
no he says  
more  
he says  
again  
he says  
I love you  
and fuck  
she hates him  
when he says that

(he knows she hates him)

this isn’t touching  
but when she holds that stake against his bare skin  
gently  
she wonders what would happen if she just  
pushed  
what would happen

why don’t you just

kill him?

she wants to  
she wants to  
she wants to  
doesn’t she?

but then he’ll open his eyes  
(don’t look don’t look)  
and look at her  
(they’ll swallow you up whole  
and you will not be able to hold back  
the tears  
don’t you dare look up)  
at the stake  
(there is a sky in his eyes there is an ocean in his eyes  
and he is dead and he is worthless  
and how does he have such life in that horrible cavity he calls  
a body)  
at her hands  
(how unfair to have the world in your eyes, that expanse of vitality  
how ironic to put a colour that is so alive in a creature so incredibly  
dead)  
and he’ll take them  
in his  
(how dare you put a colour so human in a monster  
how dare you how dare you)  
and she’ll drop the stake  
and he’ll try to  
he will try to  
warm them up  
her cold  
shaking hands  
with his  
cold steady hands  
and he’ll whisper

it’s okay  
buffy  
it’s okay

and she’ll say

am i like you  
am i  
am I a monster

and he’ll say

no  
you are salvation  
you are sun  
you are shining  
you are  
beautiful

(he says this with broken lips  
with broken voice  
he says this with his blood you spilled on his knuckles  
he says this as he takes your hair  
places it gently behind your ear  
careful careful  
he says this with  
reverence  
awe  
he does not  
he does not touch you)

(she hates him when he does that)

and she will finally  
look at those  
blue  
(she is cold and and it is too much Too Much pain rips through her bones and she is  
blue  
(six feet under the ground dead dead gone and she is cold she is  
blue  
(not right she is Not Right she came back Wrong and she is  
blue  
eyes

and she can’t stand them  
she can’t stand him  
she can’t stand  
this

take your fingers  
dig them deep  
into the softest part  
of a body  
twist  
hard  
deeper  
more  
keep them right there  
you like this you like this you like this  
don’t you  
him crying  
out him flinching him  
hurting  
you need this  
you’re sick twisted cruel  
hollow him out  
maybe you’ll hollow yourself out instead  
make him take it back  
liar liar liar

you are Not  
Good  
you are Not  
Kind  
Selfless  
Holy  
Goddess  
you are Not  
Human

you are

[red  
&  
blue  
go so well  
together

kind of like us, no?]

(Monster)


End file.
